Mouth So Full
One of my pet peeves growing up with a mother I didn’t trust or much like was watching her eat. I despised how she’d stuff her mouth full and then talk while she attempted to chew her ungodly-sized bites.
I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to do that in front of my daughter, especially. I work hard and deliberately to not be like my mother in many ways.
We’re eating dinner and I see Tate’s eyes get big and look at my mouth.
Immediately, I ask myself, Am I doing it? Am I eating too fast and stuffing my face? I’m talking with food in my mouth. Shit. Does she notice? Am I grossing her out? Am I my mother?
All of this goes on inside my head. Painfully, beating myself up, I try to force myself to set my fork down between bites. Then, I forget.
I try to slow down to use my knife (instead of the forefinger I just licked ) to push food onto my fork. I cut properly and take a few bites like this. Maybe there’s hope. I mean I know how to do all this…
I try to swallow before talking but just then, Tate says something I’ve simply got to respond to right away and forget about my plan.
This conversation goes on, with myself, for years and years and years. Meal after meal.
Fast forward to today.
*
Tate’s eleven now and talking with her mouth so full, I feel as though I’ve failed as a parent. I remind her not to do that - but, tell her this with food in my own mouth!
I’m disheartened that she doesn’t listen. Of course, she laughs it off. Does she know how serious this is?
I watch as next Tate eats her broccoli with her fingers rather than her utensils…
She used to be well-mannered. We used to get compliments on it all the time from those we’d have for dinner. And now? Now what?
Have I been such a poor example that this is how it looks, and she’s just mirroring me? Did I allow this to happen or make this happen?
Who’s to blame? My own mother’s poor example, most likely.
Except that clearly, I didn’t take this seriously enough to model something different. That’s on me. Or did I? Was sometimes enough or not enough?
Or maybe, maybe, Tate’s just a regular tween who doesn’t feel like using her manners. I wish I knew.
