Maybe One Day
I used to worry about the cigarette butts all over the sidewalk, that Tate would take these into her visceral memory from our strider rides to the coffee shop on weekends. The price of living in a university town, I suppose.
In actuality, she didn’t really notice until one day she did and reached over to pick one up and asked. Though my grossed-out germ alarm screeched, it led to a great conversation over scones about respect, trash, college kids’ choices, and of course what we can do to take care better care of Mother Earth.
*
Today, we’re downtown to drop off a document at the accountant’s office. Just outside the entrance, there’s a homeless man squatted up against the building, smoking a cigarette. I pause as suddenly I fear I’ve forgotten the paper I need in the car. While I’m digging through my enormous purse, we have to stand there for a few minutes. Tate is hating it. Coughing. And staring. Staring beyond what’s appropriate.
Once I find what I need, we quickly head inside, both of us reeking of smoke. We look at each other and catch our breath. “Yuck,” I admit. "That stinks so badly. I can’t believe I ever smoked…”
She’s in awe. “I know! I’ve never actually seen someone smoking, Mama - only those mini cigarettes on the ground on the hill. It smells so bad. Why do people do that, Mama? Putting all that grey smoke into their lungs. Ach. Why do people smoke!?”
“Well, it’s very addictive for starters. But, I guess people do it because it sort of has a numbing effect on people’s systems. It can be like an escape. So, for people who don’t know how to feel all their feelings or don’t want to, well, it can be a way to avoid that. To numb themselves, instead…”
She’s quiet as we walk up the stairs holding hands. Thoughtful. I’m glancing over at her, always a little saddened when I have to strip a bit of her lovely innocence away with truth.
As we get to the top of the stairs, Tate turns to me and announces, excitedly, “Well, maybe I should have a cigarette before my shots next year, because you know how much I can’t stand getting those vaccines and how nervous I get, Mama…”
She’s dead serious. Waiting for my reply.
